


Deep-Sea Fishing

by Blanquette



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Changkyun and Hoseok are brothers, Fluffy Ending, Kihyun keeps eating for some reason, M/M, One Shot, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 09:02:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13431402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blanquette/pseuds/Blanquette
Summary: Hyungwon would dearly appreciate not falling in love with his best friend's brother. Kihyun is here to help. Sorta.





	Deep-Sea Fishing

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a request from the Monsta X forum but since a writer claimed it before I could get my head outta my arse I'm just gonna put that here :'D
> 
> I was actually supposed to write something else that I had no motivation for, and then I decided to finish this instead. So yeah. It's another one of my numerous procrastination fic. Enjoy!

**1.**

“I don’t get why we can’t just do this at my place, you know I live alone, it’s more practical, and –”

“Hyungwon.”

“No come on hear me out, you know I get uncomfortable intruding and like –”

“Holy shit Hyungwon, literally no one cares that you’re here, just shut up and go grab some soda.”

Hoseok drops his bag and follows its fall to the floor, unzipping it to get out the textbooks they need for their assignment. Hyungwon is hovering near the door, watching his friend unpack. Hoseok gets out the wrong book, sighs, and sends it skidding across the floor to a pile of discarded literature near his too-small desk. He looks up at Hyungwon after a bit, as his gangly friend is still gaping at him from the entryway.

“Soda, Hyungwon. I promise no one will assault you on the way to the kitchen.”

Hyungwon nods, and finally disappears in the corridor after one last unsure look towards his friend. He knows this place like the back of his hand. The nice clean floors, the old-fashioned art adorning the walls, the family pictures. He loves the familiarity of the worn-out furniture and the homey feel of a place well lived-in, so unlike his own. It was only him and Hoseok, usually, though. The rest of the family was always gone when Hoseok would have him over to waste time on video games and laugh about nothing over cold take-out.

Now though, he can hear Hoseok’s parents watching TV in the living-room, and his little brother must be here somewhere too, and Hyungwon feels like an intruder, encroaching on their peaceful Sunday afternoon. It’s idiotic and he knows it, but that’s just how it is. He tries to make as little noise as possible, padding towards the kitchen, wishing he could fold his too tall limbs into something more sensible. But it’s a lost cause, and when he finally reaches the tiny kitchen, it’s only to stumble into someone going out of it, someone that lets out a deep “oof” as Hyungwon walks straight into them.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right. Who the heck are you, though?”

“Erm, Hoseok’s friend?”

“Hyung got a lot of friends, gotta be more specific.”

He’s got a face looking older than his years, Hyungwon thinks, and then the guy smirks and he realizes that he’s been staring. It’s his high nose, maybe. Or his cheekbones. His dark eyes that seem to know something you don’t. And… yeah, Hyungwon is still staring, and they’re standing too close, and maybe he should say something.

“Hyungwon. My name’s Hyungwon. Chae.”

“Changkyun. Nice to meet you.”

He’s still smirking, which makes his words seem a bit mocking, but somehow Hyungwon doesn’t mind. It’s quite curious, he thinks, that two brothers would be so different. Where Hoseok is soft and smiley, Changkyun has hard edges and a serious stare. He could even be slightly intimidating, cold, maybe, if he wasn’t smiling. Hyungwon knows he’s spacing out, staying silent for too long, staring for too long, too tall and too gawky, and a wave of self-consciousness washes out the remainder of his countenance. He takes a step back, drops his eyes to the floor. There’s a hole in his left sock. He hopes Changkyun doesn’t notice it.

“Yeah, I figured. I just came to get drinks.”

“Go ahead, take whatever. See you around, I guess.”

Changkyun skirts around him, clasping him on the shoulder as he leaves, and Hyungwon jumps a little, finally shaking out of his thoughts.

The fridge is filled to the brim, because of course Hoseok’s family would be the wholesome kind, making homecooked meals, eating all together, keeping their kitchen well stocked and no, Hyungwon isn’t jealous. Slightly envious, maybe. He takes a bottle of cola, grabs two glasses from the cupboard and pads back to Hoseok’s room. Maybe he looks around this time, but if he does, it’s not because he’s looking for dark eyes and a sly grin.

 

**2.**

“I met your brother.”

“Cool.”

Hyungwon glances at Hoseok, who doesn’t seem that interested, before gluing his eyes back on his screen. He’s unfocused though, the words on the page all merging together in a jumbled mess. His screen is too bright. His back hurt. He shifts, slightly restless.

“He smirked at me.”

“Yeah. He does that a lot.”

“Oh.”

He doesn’t mean to sound disappointed, but Hoseok has already picked it up, and there’s a strange smile playing on his lips.

“Why, you wanted to be special?”

“What?”

Maybe he raised his head a bit too fast. Maybe his tone was slightly higher than usual, or maybe it’s because he strangled himself with his own spit, but Hoseok is narrowing his eyes at him over the textbook that has steadily been driving him insane for the past hour. Hyungwon thinks it might be too late to brush the comment aside like the joke it was meant to be. So he busies himself with his laptop again, opening yet another link he won’t read.

“What did you do to my brother?”

“Nothing. I whacked into him.”

“Why?”

“Well, you know. I thought it would make a lasting impression if I just brained him with my chest.”

Hoseok considers him for a while, face scrunched up in suspicion, before finally nodding and burying his head back into his book with a sigh.

“He could totally take you in a fight though, be careful.”

“Why would I ever want to fight him?”

“I don’t know, you’re the one going around whacking people.”

“Hoseok.”

“Hyungwon.”

They look at each other over their respective research, and it doesn’t last long before they burst out laughing, Hoseok pushing his textbook aside and sprawling on the floor while Hyungwon abandons his laptop to rub at his eyes.

“Dude, we’re so gonna fail this assignment. I’ve been doing useless shit ever since we started.”

“Honestly, I’ve been staring at the same website for twenty minutes. I have like two thousand tabs opened though, so there’s that.”

“Why did I ever think college was the thing for me? I should just… I don’t know, become a deep-sea fisherman or something.”

Hyungwon laughs, goes to lie on the floor next to Hoseok, and ends up pillowing his head on his meaty thigh because that’s the most comfortable place in the room.

“You’d die in the first week.”

“Probably. How awesome would that be, though? People would ask you what I’m up to, and you would take this very faraway look, and after a dramatic pause you would be like, he died at sea. Honestly. I got goosebumps just to think of it.”

“Tell that to mom, she’s gonna be thrilled.”

They both look up as a third voice fills the room, and there’s Changkyun at the door, hovering, an unreadable expression on his face. Hyungwon is breaking his neck looking at him, so he lets his head fall back on Hoseok’s thigh, and only then does he realize the position he’s in. This isn’t awkward, he tells himself. He really feels like it is, though.

“Mom wanna know if your friend is gonna eat here.”

“It’s that late already?”

Hoseok sits up, which means Hyungwon is now basically in his lap, and he should really get up, but for some reason staring at the ceiling seems like the better option right now. Because that way he can’t see Changkyun, can’t see his smirk and his nose and his deep stare that seems to get under his skin a bit too easily.

“Well, yeah.”

“Time sure flies fast when you’re being that unproductive. What do you say, Hyungwon? Wanna stay for dinner?”

Hoseok looks down at the boy in his lap and Hyungwon really wants to say no, that he needs to get home. But there’s nothing to get home to, apart from a dark room and bland cup noodles, and Hoseok is warm under him, and he’s smiling, and Changkyun is at the door with dark eyes and golden skin and he really wants to say no but it’s a yes that he croaks out. All right, then, Hyungwon thinks. This is what we’re doing right now.

 

**3.**

Hyungwon was right about the wholesome homecooked dinner. Hoseok’s mother has the same smile as her eldest son, but it somewhat dims as Hyungwon awkwardly stumbles his way through her questions about his family (we’re not in touch much), his ambitions (I don’t know, graduate, I guess) and how he met her son (I fell asleep on him during a lecture). Hoseok is sitting right opposite him, and he kicks Hyungwon’s shin under the table, mouthing at him to relax as his discomfort seeps out of him to go hang heavy on everyone’s shoulders.

That’s when Hyungwon hears a snicker to his right, hastily disguised as a cough. This is what is making everything worse. Changkyun is sitting next to him, the little brother that really shouldn’t have that much effect on him. But there’s something about him, about his stare, his presence, something magnetic, that does nothing to alleviate Hyungwon’s constant state of confusion. So he ignores him the best he can, but it seems that Changkyun goes out of his way to brush up against him when he goes to grab this and that, making a game out of Hyungwon flustered state. Which earns Hyungwon another kick from Hoseok when he once again answers beside the point.

Hyungwon is used to waddle through life like a very bewildered duck, the current pushing him this way and that. He usually doesn’t mind, either. But Changkyun is too much like a real live wire next to his calm waters, and he finds himself hyperaware of his presence.

 

**4.**

Hyungwon isn’t one to overthink things. It’s easy for him to admit that in the span of two hours, he developed the hugest crush on Hoseok’s little brother. What presents more difficulties is to know what to do about it.

“Nothing. You do nothing about it.”

“Why not?”

Hyungwon is watching Kihyun eat with interest. The guy always puts more in his mouth than he can chew, and his cheeks are bulging. Somehow, he still manages to talk through it, and Hyungwon is fascinated.

“Because if it’s just a crush, it will fade with time. So Hoseok won’t kill you, and since I haven’t learned how to reanimate corpses yet, that would be for the best. Medicine truly is a scam.”

Another carrot finds its way in Kihyun’s mouth, while his sharp eyes don’t leave Hyungwon’s own. Hyungwon scrunches up his face, then heaves a dejected sigh.

“Is he even into guys?”

“He is.”

“How do you know?”

“Cause I listen when people talk.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Hyungwon shifts on his seat, and waits until Kihyun swallows around his broccoli to pester him again.

“What if it’s more than a crush?”

“What?”

“Well a crush either fades or grows into something more, right?”

“Then you pray that it fades because Hoseok’s sure as hell not gonna let you date his brother.”

“Why not?”

“Well, you’re you, for starters.”

A tiny part of Hyungwon is telling him he should be offended by that, but the rest of him knows that Kihyun is probably right. Hyungwon’s nice, but that’s pretty much all there is to him. A gangly twenty-one-year-old with no ambitions, who keeps switching majors and being a general failure in all aspects of life. He probably wouldn’t date himself, either.

Hyungwon deflates with a tiny sigh, and Kihyun’s sharp features suddenly soften. He swallows around a particularly large mouthful, and puts down his chopsticks to pat Hyungwon’s arm comfortingly.

“It’s going to be okay. Just don’t hang around him too much.”

 

**5.**

Hyungwon’s not a perfect person, so he follows only the first half of Kihyun’s advice. Suddenly he doesn’t mind so much when Hoseok suggests going to his place, and there’s always a little jolt of electricity when he catches dark eyes and a smirk. He stays for dinner without thinking twice about it. Stares a lot. But he does nothing, content with just watching.

Although the problem with staring at something for too long is that Hyungwon can’t help but notice small details he didn’t catch before. Like the dimples that come out whenever there’s a real smile. How the light catches on freshly dyed auburn hair. How the deep voice sounds when still full of sleep. He stares and he listens and he discovers a whole new universe.

The other problem with staring at something for too long is that Hyungwon can’t help but think how it would feel like to touch. And Hyungwon isn’t a perfect person, so the lingering stares turn to innocent brushes of his fingers against Changkyun’s golden skin, to lasting touches whenever he can get away with it. He’s rewarded with searching eyes and cocky smiles, and a heart that swells up twice in size.

At the back of his mind there’s a voice, eerily similar to Kihyun’s, screaming at him to cut it out. He doesn’t listen. He doesn’t listen, and he misses Hoseok narrowing his eyes at him whenever they hang out with Changkyun, his questioning stares. It doesn’t last, though.

 

**6.**

“Okay, so what the fuck are you doing?”

Hyungwon’s sitting in his favorite spot on Hoseok’s floor, using the foot of the bed as a backrest. Hoseok is looking at him, swinging impatiently in his chair, forgotten notes now littering the tiny desk that he finally tidied up. All in vain, though, judging by the state it is now in.

“Trying to finish my essay?”

Hyungwon looks up at the other hesitantly. Hoseok’s tone is sharp and annoyed, and it’s a rare enough occurrence that he immediately feels cornered.

“I meant, why are you all creepy and weird.”

“With my essay?”

“With Changkyun!”

“I’m creepy and weird?”

“Yes! I swear if you’re trying to get your creepy mantis limbs all over him I’ll chop them off.”

“I have creepy mantis limbs?”

“Hyungwon. Focus.”

Hyungwon is so focused he thinks his head might burst.

“I’m not trying to get anything all over Changkyun.”

“Good. Also, ew.”

Hyungwon ventures a tentative smile that Hoseok rewards with a kick in the shin and a falsely annoyed huff. It would almost be funny, Hyungwon thinks as he’s folding his creepy mantis limbs over himself with a theatrically hurt expression. It would almost be funny, if his stomach hadn’t dropped through the floor, and was still falling.

 

**7.**

“Hyung. You need to help me.”

Kihyun whips his head up so fast Hyungwon is worried he just gave himself whiplash. The man seems okay though, sharp eyes narrowed at him, and Hyungwon feels himself hesitate under the scrutiny.

“You know what you told me the other day about Hoseok’s brother?”

“Oh god. What did you do.”

“Nothing! I did nothing. But he still thinks I’m creepy and weird.”

Kihyun swallows around a mouthful and just stares. Somehow, they always end up meeting in the cafeteria, Hyungwon pushing his food around his plate, Kihyun stuffing his face while balancing an open book on the side of his tray. Cramming, because Kihyun is never on top of his work but still manages to get by, on sheer improvisation. Hyungwon wishes he was smart enough to do that. Hyungwon wishes for a lot of things.

“Hoseok or the brother? Or both. Is it both? I bet it’s both.”

“It’s just Hoseok. Well, maybe the brother too. I don’t really know. We don’t speak that much.”

“Definitely both, then.”

“You’re not helping.”

He really isn’t, and Hyungwon reclines in his seat, watching the students slowly file out of the building. Kihyun cracks a smile, closes his book, and straightens in his seat, eyes focused on Hyungwon.

“Okay, sorry, I’ll help. Go ahead.”

Hyungwon opens his mouth but is interrupted almost immediately by Kihyun raising his chopsticks.

 “Wait, wait. I actually know what’s going on. You ignored what I said, went right ahead, and got yourself convinced Changkyun is the man of your dreams. Am I right? I am right.”

It would hurt less if Kihyun wasn’t pointing at him with the chopsticks, face triumphant. At least someone is amused by his misery, Hyungwon thinks dejectedly as a heavy sigh escapes his chest. Kihyun puts some more food into his mouth, talking around it. It should be gross but somehow, it isn’t. Life is unfair.

“Hoseok is going to whoop your ass.”

“He did threaten to rip off my creepy mantis limbs.”

Kihyun snorts, finally putting down his chopsticks to wipe at his mouth with a tissue.

“Harsh.”

“You really think he will do it?”

“Oh yes.”

“Am I that bad?”

Kihyun makes a non-committal sound, accompanied by an even more vague hand gesture, and Hyungwon drops his head on the table with a soft thud. Soon enough, there’s tentative fingers stroking his hair, and he lets out a little whine. Kihyun chuckles.

“It’s going to be fine.”

“How?”

“I mean. It might even be a non-issue. He probably doesn’t like you back.”

Hyungwon springs up, eyes wide, looking at a bewildered Kihyun.

“I hadn’t even thought about that.”

There’s some very conflicting emotions swimming around in Hyungwon’s tired brain. If Changkyun doesn’t like him, that’s it, then, and it’s almost relief that he feels. A situation he can’t do anything about is indeed a non-issue entirely, and he can clear himself of any responsibilities. Hoseok will not rip his creepy mantis limbs off his body. Unrequited love. Perfect. This he can deal with.

“He doesn’t like me back. That’s great. I don’t have to think about this anymore.”

“What if he does, though?”

“You just said he didn’t!”

“What do I know? Why are you so happy about being rejected?”

Hyungwon makes a face, and Kihyun starts laughing.

“Dude, just ask him. If he rejects you, you can go back to be weirdly happy about being dumped, and if he does like you, there’s nothing much Hoseok can do about it anyway, right?”

“Have you seen the guy? There’s so many things he could do about it. He has muscles in places I didn’t even know had muscles.”

“Okay, your limited understanding of anatomy aside, Hoseok is your friend. If you’re both happy with each other he’ll come around eventually.”

Hyungwon considers Kihyun in silence, nervously chewing the inside of his cheek. The latter just stares back, used to Hyungwon’s spacing out.

“You give pretty good advice for someone with such a shit personality.”

Kihyun shrugs, and slowly starts eating again.

“One of my numerous redeeming qualities.”

Hyungwon absently nods, and Kihyun finishes his lunch in silence, the other’s heavy stare resting upon his face.

 

**8.**

Confessing when you’re expecting – hoping – for a rejection takes a lot of the edge off. Hyungwon still isn’t too sure how to go about it, especially since he only meets Changkyun at Hoseok’s house. Which implies that Hoseok is always there, hanging by his side, burying sharp elbows into his ribs when he starts staring for too long, lingering for too long, smiling his dopey smile or answering besides the point, again, and again, and again.

There’s a soft thud somewhere near his feet, a hand on his shin, slowly shaking it, and Hyungwon finally looks up from his computer into Hoseok’s soft eyes. Hoseok is sprawling on the floor, his notes forgotten somewhere on his desk, and when Hyungwon’s eyes drop back to the page he was reading he can’t even remember what it was all about.

“Can you go get some sodas? And I think there’s chips somewhere.”

“I don’t –”

“Come on. Please. I can’t move anymore. My brain is broken. What are we working on again? Who knows? Not me. If I had listened to myself I would be dead at sea by now. And yet look at me. I’m still here. Soda-less. Chip-less. This cannot go on anymore, Hyungwon-ah. My friend. My brother. This body needs sustenance, or it cannot go on anymore.”

Hyungwon rolls his eyes and stands up, because when Hoseok starts one of his rare soliloquy the only way to get him to stop talking is do what he wants. At least he didn’t pull the _hyung_ card this time, Hyungwon thinks as he pads softly into the silent corridor.

There’s a sense of déjà-vu as he goes. Muffled sounds from the TV filtering through the closed door of the living-room, warm light spilling gold on old furniture, worn-out but well-loved, the family portraits he could draw with his eyes closed. He doesn’t feel like an intruder this time, though, he’s been here enough to know that his presence isn’t noteworthy anymore. He still tries to be as silent as possible, invisible, as he nears the ajar door of the kitchen.

He almost braces for impact as he gets in, but this time there’s no one to whack into him and throw his heart off-balance. The kitchen is empty, quiet if not for the low hum of the refrigerator. Hyungwon takes the soda bottle out, put it on the counter, and fishes around for a bag of chips. It’s not long until he’s victorious, turning back from the cupboard with a smile. A smile that slides off his face to drop on the floor with the bag of chips when he sees Changkyun standing behind him.

“Hey, didn’t mean to startle you, sorry.”

The corner of his mouth is lifting into a half-smile and Hyungwon stares. Changkyun is clearly amused, and Hyungwon wishes he had Kihyun’s sharp wits, or Hoseok’s slick presence, but all he has is gangly limbs and a sleepy mind. He manages to croak out a greeting, before picking up the chip bags and holding it in front of his body like a shield. Changkyun very clearly bites back a smile.

“You guys are working on a paper again?”

Hyungwon nods. Changkyun mirrors him, and looks slightly to the side. Hyungwon can feel the awkwardness rolling off him in waves, knitting a tight, oppressive cocoon around them. He wishes he could recover it all, and package it neatly in a corner of himself where it would stay put. But he’s spilling it everywhere, and Changkyun is looking at him from underneath his lashes, as if waiting for something. Hyungwon tightens his hold on the chips bag and it crinkles underneath his fingers. He needs to say something. So he says it, because it’s the only thing he truly wants to tell Changkyun, and he might as well get it over with.

“I like you.”

Changkyun looks at him with wide eyes, and Hyungwon is happy. He said it. He’s free now, he can go back to fail his essay, eat too much chips and drink too much soda with Hoseok. He won’t be hungry for dinner, though, but it’s okay, he doesn’t have much to eat at home, and it’s not really home, is it? He didn’t really choose it. Can people be home? Hoseok feels like home. Maybe they really should go deep-sea fishing together. Hoseok can’t die, though, because then, what of Hyungwon?

There’s a low sound that registers near his ears. Words. In Changkyun’s voice. He blinks slowly, wills himself to get back in the moment.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“You what?”

“Oh. I like you. A lot. No big deal, though, don’t worry about it. Just needed to get this out. Hoseok’s waiting so I’ll go back. See you around.”

Hyungwon leaves Changkyun standing in the middle of the kitchen, mouths slightly opened as if he had been interrupted mid-sentence. He’s smiling all the way back to Hoseok’s room. There. It’s done. He can put it behind him. Unrequited love. Perfect.

 

**9.**

“I confessed.”

Kihyun isn’t eating this time, but he’s still sitting in his usual spot, all the way to the back of the cafeteria. He can survey the whole place from there, and Hyungwon is pretty sure he judges each and every one of the student that meet his eyes. Kihyun would be weighing hearts in the afterlife.

There’s an anatomy book opened in front of him; half the page is highlighted. Hyungwon wants to point out that this is not how highlighting is supposed to work, but he just takes a sit instead, and Kihyun’s piercing stare falls on his face.

“What did he say?”

“I don’t know.”

Kihyun blinks slowly, fatigue etched onto his features.

“Don’t tell me you just sprang that on him and hauled ass outta there.”

“Maybe?”

Kihyun closes his eyes, and brings his fingers to his temples. The image of restraint itself.

“You didn’t even wait for him to say anything?”

“What is there to say?”

“How do you even know for sure that he doesn’t like you back?”

“Cause he doesn’t?”

“But how do you know? Come on Hyungwon-ah, work with me. Do you see my problem here.”

Hyungwon does. Hyungwon shifts awkwardly in his seat.

“Okay, so maybe it was a little rushed.”

“Just a little?”

“I guess I didn’t really want to hear the answer.”

Kihyun sighs, taps his fingers, and sighs again.

“I’d fire you if I could.”

“From where?”

“Life. Interacting with people.”

“Oh, come on.”

“Don’t ‘oh come on’ me.”

Hyungwon is about to retort when something shifts in Kihyun’s face as he looks over his shoulder, and Hyungwon knows who’s there without even having to turn around. The chair to his right scraps back, and Hoseok slides into it. His face is blank. He spares a look at Kihyun who just shrugs, suddenly engrossed in his anatomy textbook. Hyungwon’s gaze burrows a hole in the table.

“Okay, so what the fuck did you do?”

Hyungwon chews the inside of his cheek. He can see Kihyun in front of him, biting his lips, torn between watching Hyungwon go down in flames, or saving his stupid ass. Hyungwon sprays his fingers on the table, staring at his bony knuckles.

“Well. I did a lot of things. Can you specify?”

Kihyun snorts, poorly disguising it as a cough. Hoseok spares him an annoyed glance until he gets back to his book, turning a page that he starts coloring in fluorescent pink.

“What did you do to Changkyun, you prick?”

“Oh, that. Well. I might have told him I liked him. Yup. That’s pretty much what I did.”

Hoseok falls silent for a bit, staring at Hyungwon too intensely.

“You what? Are you stupid? Why would you do that?”

 “Cause I like him?”

“You like him?”

“Yeah? That’s why I told him?”

“You told him.”

“Yeah.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because –”

There’s a thud from somewhere in Kihyun’s vicinity and they both stare. His book has fallen close and he’s reclining in his seat.

“Jesus this is so painful to listen to. This dumbass likes your brother and confessed the other day. He didn’t even let him answer, he just fucked right off. That’s why your Changkyun is all confused, or whatever the hell he is that made you come here. If I were you I’d whoop his ass, seriously. Who does that. You guys are tiring me out. I need a snack.”

Kihyun abruptly gets up, walking straight towards the vending machines, not sparing them another look. Hyungwon pinches his lips, looking up at Hoseok from Kihyun’s retreating back.

“Is he confused?”

“I’m gonna whoop your ass. I told you to leave him alone. You can’t date him.”

“Well. Is it in the realm of possibilities that he actually likes me back?”

“Are you listening to what I’m saying?”

“Why can’t I date him?”

“Cause he’s too good for you.”

“Everyone pretty much is. But shouldn’t he be the one to make that decision, though? Like, not you. Unless he’s using you as a matrimonial agency, in which case I guess you do have a say in the matter.”

Hyungwon doesn’t even know why he’s arguing. Isn’t that what he wants? Changkyun to not like him. But the logic here is flawed.

“Hyungwon.”

“Yes?”

“You didn’t even wait for him to answer.”

“I pretty much had my mind set on rejection.”

“Why?”

“Cause then this would not have happened.”

He waves his hand between them, a small, awkward gesture that makes Hoseok deflate.

“I’m sorry. It’s just. You and Changkyun?”

“But I’m nice. And have you seen my face? It’s great.”

Hoseok laughs, a genuine one, and Hyungwon finds himself smiling.

“Look, you should just… You need to talk to him anyway. He’s been weird. I don’t like seeing him like this. He’s a little shit half the time though, so be warned.”

“So I have your blessings?”

“Never. But you can’t just leave him like this. Tomorrow night, the parents are going out, you can go to my place. I’ll hang out with Kihyun or something.”

“He probably doesn’t want to hang out with us anymore.”

“He always says that, but then again, no one wants to hang out with him either.”

“It’s his shit personality.”

They laugh, and Hyungwon wishes everything could stay like this, wishes that Hoseok could be enough. That he wasn't yearning for something else.

 

**10.**

It takes a long time for Hyungwon to ring the bell. And when he does, it’s more because he’s too cold standing out there than because he is truly ready. In the short span it takes for Changkyun to come open the door, he almost bolts. Hyungwon is content with watching from afar, stealing words and touches here and there. He is content with unrequited love. Because it’s always perfect. The reality will never live up to his expectations, so it’s better to stay hidden, protected by silences and distant stares. He can’t get hurt, like this. It’s better. It’s perfect.

But then Changkyun opens the door, and he’s perfect, too. Dark eyes and feathery hair; a sharp mind and a sharper smile, cutting straight through Hyungwon’s silences and distant stares. And he can’t help yearning for more, Hyungwon, and he lets slip too much through the tight seams of his mind, smiles and touches and the hope that this time it will be alright, maybe, that it’s okay to let someone in, that Changkyun is home, too, and you can always come back home.

“Hey. It’s me.”

“I can see that.”

“Can I get in?”

“Are you gonna confess and run away again?”

“You can lock the door behind me.”

Changkyun snorts, scoots aside to let Hyungwon in. He closes the door, doesn’t lock it. Hyungwon wishes he would; he wants to be trapped.

“So?”

They’re sitting on the sofa in the small living room. It feels nice. Hyungwon’s gaze wanders, over the furniture, the traces of life, the slight mess four people living in one tiny house will inevitably leave behind. He wonders about his own childhood home, wonders about the people living there now, whether they are leaving bits of themselves in each corner as well, whether anything remains of him, of his family. What he would find, were he to go back.

There’s a noise to his right. Changkyun, clearing his throat.

“Hyungwon?”

His gaze falls on him, and he looks serious. Everything about him is deep, his eyes, his voice, his mind, deep, deep, deep, and Hyungwon is still falling.

“Yes. Sorry. I get side-tracked a lot.”

“I noticed that.”

“Do you hate it? Some people do. They find it tiring.”

Changkyun smiles, shakes his head.

“I don’t mind it. Is that why you only have two friends?”

“Who told you I only have two friends? Hoseok?”

“Who else?”

“This bitch.”

Changkyun laughs, and it’s not awkward anymore. Hyungwon is smiling his dopey smile, and yeah, maybe this is alright. Maybe he can do this, maybe Hoseok will come around, maybe Hyungwon can find his place in between the brothers, because he loves them both, he really does, and he doesn’t want one without the other.

“I really like you. I’m sorry I sorta ran away. I didn’t want you to like me back.”

Changkyun’s laugh cuts off, and he’s looking at him with furrowed eyebrows.

“First of all, I didn’t even tell you if I liked you back yet.”

“Ah, yes, the little shit, I see what Hoseok was getting at.”

“What? No, nevermind that. Why wouldn’t you want me to like you back?”

Hyungwon sighs.

“Because it’s easy to grieve for something that never was. But if we do this, then it becomes something, you know? And what if it doesn’t work out?”

“What if it does?”

“Hoseok doesn’t even want me to date you.”

“He’s just jealous. He only has two friends too, you know. He’s afraid you’re going to ditch him for me. And that I’m gonna ditch him for you. Cause, I mean, you guys are basically married.”

“What about the guys from the gym?”

“What guys from the gym?”

“This bitch.”

Changkyun laughs again, knocks shoulders with Hyungwon.

“Even if it doesn’t work out. You don’t think it’s worth trying?”

Hyungwon shifts, stares at Changkyun’s face, who patiently lets himself be scrutinized. He wants to touch and he wants to taste. He wants to do nothing, too, just sit there, and listen. Maybe he can let go a little, loosen the threads he fastened around his mind that Kihyun and Hoseok patiently started to unravel. Changkyun is deep like the sea and maybe Hyungwon should go fishing indeed.

His throat is dry. He swallows uneasily, drops his eyes.

“I think it is. It’s just scary. I’m not good at this. I space-out a lot. People think I don’t care, or that I don’t pay attention. But I do. I really do. And I really like you.”

“I know. You’re pretty obvious, you know. It’s not that hard to tell what you’re thinking. You’re not the one who’s not paying enough attention.”

Hyungwon smiles, something warm spreading in his chest. Changkyun got a face looking older than his years, he thinks, and then he’s smirking and Hyungwon realizes that he’s been staring again. It’s his high nose, maybe. Or his cheekbones. His dark eyes that seem to know something you don’t. And… there’s a déjà-vu, Hyungwon still staring, their faces too close, and maybe he should say something.

“I really wanted to kiss you then, that first day in the kitchen.”

“I figured. You were staring a lot. And then at dinner…”

“You’re a little shit, you know that.”

“Would it make it better, if I kissed you now?”

“Maybe. Who knows?”

Changkyun kisses like he looks, deep and serious. He’s solid under Hyungwon’s hands, warm, and Hyungwon feels grounded, mind and body for once in the same place at the same time. He feels alive. Happy, maybe. He might have found it, the place where he belongs.

It’s fine, Hyungwon thinks, later on, when he’s lying awake on Hoseok’s spare mattress, too giddy to sleep. Changkyun is somewhere on his right, hand clasped around Hyungwon’s wrist, and he feels Kihyun’s sharp elbow burrowing in his left side. Hoseok is snoring softly in his own bed, lost to the world.

It’s fine. He’ll make it up as he goes along, a deep-sea fisherman, feet on moving ground and head in the clouds. He found a haven to go back to.


End file.
